Kill Your iPhone — Find Peace with an Herbal Smoking Ceremony

Remember in the ‘90s, when Ned’s Atomic Dustbin told you to “Kill Your Television” — on Music Television?

We’re taking our cue from them. We’re asking you to kill your phone screen — on your phone screen.

Yep, we know the irony is bitter and hoppy like a West Coast IPA. But you gotta start somewhere.

So go ahead and do it — throw your phone into the Pacific Ocean like the 458ppi 4G Frodo iRing it truly is.

Sure, they’re awesome resources of information — a Library of Congress worth of data packed inside a Game Boy. But phones (and our constant need to feel digitally connected) are also destroying Western Civilization. Just ask Mark Zuckerberg, sweating before Congress in his Sunday Best like an altar boy caught slurping the Communion sauce.

Kill the Tech — Reclaim the Herbs

So let’s take a cue from Joni Mitchell. It’s time to get back to the garden.

Herbs can save your soul — or at least help unplug from the stress mess of our cyberspace-drive reality. Really. All it takes is 5 minutes. It’s all about using herbal ceremony to set intention and turn on, tune in — over and out:

• Clear negative energy.
• Send thoughts to a loved one.
• Make a wish.
• Or just to relax and calm yourself.

Here’s how.

Turn On, Tune In — Unplug

First unplug the tech. No, you don’t really have to throw your phone in the Bay. But at least put it on silent, or better yet turn it off. Keep tech in its place, as a tool — not a replacement for existence. Let your brain be the Mantis, your phone the antenna, not vice versa.

Now go outside and inhale the sky. Sit beside a tree and breathe. Soak nature into your pores until the Chakras crystal-vibrate pure energy.

Prepare Your Herbs — Setting Intention

You could use Bear Blend, but really any cocktail of smokable herbal blends, including cannabis, will do. Hold them close so you can breathe in their aroma, feel their essence like the smell of fresh pine in the woods, like coffee earth that sticks to the blades of the grinder.

Clear your mind. Your consciousness needn’t be a vacuum of silence — simply recognize and acknowledge your thoughts. Let them go, like smoke. Focus on your desired intention: a wish, a feeling, an herbal prayer or desire for your heart or the Universe.

Speak — offer up — your intentions to the herbs. Recognize every plant as a living thing, a silent yet sentient being that feels and responds to the Universe with hunger, ambition, desire. Commune with the herbs as beings, not objects.

After all, plants are really just slow moving beings, and like animals fight for territory, seek out food, evade predators, trap prey. “To see this, you just need to make a fast movie of a growing plant — then it will behave like an animal,” Olivier Hamant, a plant scientist at the University of Lyon, France, tells the BBC. Synchronize with the plant, forge a meaningful connection. Bond with the herbs, recognize them as a fellow being sharing today in the universe.

Pack It, Roll It — Prepare Your Smoke

We recommend a ceremonial pipe, dry herb vaporizer, organic rolling paper, or a water pipe. You can also mix the herbs with cannabis for a tobacco-less spliff, or with tobacco as a gradual way to quit smoking tobacco with organic herbal blends. It could be a special pipe that provides spiritual connection or inspiration. Be careful not to pack the herbs too tightly. Let them breathe — not choke. After all, it’s the breath that releases the spirit — the free inhalation of smoke that provides the spiritual connection to the herbs.

Light it up — Connect to the Breath

As you spark the herbs, be mindful of the spirit of the smoke. In ancient traditions, the smoke was believed to be a manifestation of the spirit, the herbs giving up their being in a shared communal bond of harmonious exchange. Allow the sacredness of the smoke to carry your intentions, wishes, dreams up to the sky, to the heavens and celestial bodies.

This is the origin of the ritual of smoking. The ceremony of smoking provides a connection of your spirit to the plants, your intention to the sky, your very being with the smoke transcending into spirit.

Give Thanks — Close the Space

Gratitude can be a powerful thing. It releases endorphins, cleanses toxicity, induces empathy, even improves sleep. Give an offering of gratitude to the Earth and Sky — a pinch of herbs, a spreading of ashes into the soil. Make a sound of the breath (an Aum, Amen, Aho) to signify closing and the completion of the herbal smoking ceremony. Go on with your day, naturally recharged and reconnected to the little moments that give each day meaning.

Blues Travelers & Herbal Destinations

If you’ve got the blues, you’re not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes. Symptoms of major depression have increased 62% over the past decade. Feelings of hopelessness or nervousness have increased 71%. And yeah, that buzzing Buck Rogers in your pocket might be the reason why. There’s a direct correlation between increased time online and increased rates of depression and even suicide.

But the ground grows beneath our feet, literally. Mugwort, mullein, passion flower, and lavender bloom in your lawn, the ditch, by the side of the 101 like biodynamic anarchists strumming to the Grateful Dead for loose change.

So get back to the garden and reconnect — if only for 5 minutes. It just might do you some good, or at least help ya childafukout. Spend some time with the herbs and be here now. Smoke signal spirits of the ancient past — remember who you are, where you come from, where you’re headed on this spinning cornucopia of herbal heritage like a seed in the celestial wind.